The Weakest Mink
by Vividian
Summary: Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Severous Snape, Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle, and Cho Chang are on a popular TV show. Can this get any weirder? Probably not...not without drugs at any rate...Especially since Lockhart is a cohost... Rating for future language.
1. Chapter One

Hey! I am not dead. Just been suffering from writer's block. Hehehe. That's over. My friend Tom am I wrote the beginning for this a long time ago. Do you like? Review!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company, I just borrow them to make them do stupid and amusing things.

Enjoy.

THE WEAKEST MINK

"Welcome to another episode of The Weakest Mink. Let me introduce today's competitors. First up, we have a man who is a couple of brilliant schemes short of a dark lord, 'Lord' Voldemort!"

Cheers erupted from the four death eaters in the audience as Lord Voldemort waved from his place.

"Next up, and just a couple of cells short of a real person, a man who lives in a diary, Tom Riddle!"

Cheers again erupted from the four death eaters, as well as two very screwy looking girls sitting in the front row.

"Along with these two, we have Cho Chang, a girl who's a few bitchy lead-ons short of a love triangle."

There was dead silence in the studio.

"Up next, the man who couldn't concoct enough potions to make a personality…Severous Snape!"

Cheers again erupted from the assembled death eaters.

"We are also honored with the presence of a super hero a couple of parents short of a family, the famous Harry Potter!"

The rest of the audience finally cheered, while the death eaters and the two wacky girls threw spit wads and rotten potatoes (not tomatoes) at the Boy-Who-Lived.

"Finally, we are graced with the company of the man who is just a couple of personality disorders short of a psychology textbook…Draco Malfoy!"

The death eaters, wacky girls, and several other female members of the audience went nuts as Draco waved to them, smiling charmingly.

"And I am your host, Eileen Write, with a special co-host today, the man who wrote all of the introductions today, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart."

A few older women cheered and clapped as Lockhart apperated onstage, looking charming as usual.

"Thank you for welcoming me in such a kind way, Ms. Wright," Lockhart said. "You really should consider-"

"Now, before we begin," the host interrupted, "I will go over the rules one more time. Each of you will be asked a question in turn when the round begins, and will be asked to answer that question. Correct questions will mean you earn the amount of money that question was worth to be added to the pot. Ever so often, someone can choose to shout 'Collect' and sacrifice their turn to put the money in the pot in the bank. At the end of the game, the person left will get all of the money in the bank, (payable in increments of 38 cents a month for no more than 20 years). At the end of each round of questioning, the remaining people will each vote on someone to be thrown out of the next round. The person with the most votes against him or her will not be coming back. In the final round, the person with the best statistics will be claimed winner, and get all of the money saved in the bank. Are there any questions?"

Harry raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Potter?" the hostess asked.

"Um…Why is this show called The Weakest Mink?"

"Ah, I am glad you asked that, Mr. Potter. This show is called The Weakest Mink because you will all be wearing mink costumes through the entire show."

Several of the contestants exploded to hear this, but the hostess did not listen. She merely clapped twice and they were all dressed in mink outfits, with the exception of herself.

"No more questions? Then let's start the first round," she said, before anyone could ask anything more. "Timer ready? You have three minutes. Go."

The timer started ticking.

"Mr. Voldemort, what is the integral of z^2 dz from 1 to the cubed root of 3 times the cosine of pi over 9?"

"What? How the hell should I know???"

"Wrong. Mr. Riddle, same question."

"Um…"

"Ms. Chang?"

"37?"

"Wrong. Mr. Snape?"

"One third."

"Correct! Mr. Potter, who heads the secret organization, the Order of the Phoenix, which tries to fight against the increasing power of Voldemort?"

Harry's eyes went wide.

"Uh…Headmaster Dumbledore," he said. Voldemort and Tom glared.

"I KNEW IT!" they shouted together. "Meddling bastard," they both muttered.

"Correct, Mr. Potter. Mr. Malfoy, what is the capital of Argentina?"

"Some muggle city."

"Incorrect. Mr. Voldemort?"

"Buenos Dias?"

"Incorrect. Mr. Riddle."

"Buenos Aires! Stupid old coot."

"Correct. Ms. Chang, what is the square root of 564,203,102?"

"Um…37?"

"Incorrect. Mr. Snape, same question."

"23,752.9598576682…"

"Correct. Mr. Potter, what is the punishment given to the worst of criminals in the wizarding world?"

"Um…the Dementor's kiss?" Harry asked.

"Correct. Mr. Malfoy, who was the 25th president of the United States?"

"Dubya?"

"Incorrect. Mr. Voldemort?"

"Collect."

"Money has been collected. Mr. Riddle?"

"Theodore Roosevelt. Didn't you learn anything, old fart?"

"Correct. Ms. Chang, what is the fifth planet in our solar system?"

"Um…37!"

"Incorrect. Mr. Snape?"

"Jupiter."

"Correct. Mr. Potter, who defeated Lord Voldemort as a young child 15 years ago?"

"Um…me."

"Correct. Mr. Malfoy…"

The game continued for the remainder of the time. As Harry Potter answered the last question (What is the slang and derogative term for a person with muggle blood?), the time ran out and a small bell rang.

"And we have run out of time," the hostess said. "You currently have $260 in the bank. Statistics for this round: Mr. Voldemort answered 2 out of 7 questions right, Mr. Riddle answered 5 out of 8 right, Ms. Chang answered 0 out of 8 right, Mr. Snape answered 8 out of 8 right, Mr. Potter answered 7 out of 7 right, and Mr. Malfoy answered 3 out of 7 right. Please use the pads in front of you to select the person you consider to be the weakest mink."

Everyone began scribbling on their pads. 

"Alright, so who is the weakest mink? We'll find out after this…"

So who should be The Weakest Mink? Review, vote and tell me! Reviewers I might let show up in the audience or something. Hehehe.

~Vividian


	2. Chapter Two

Harry Potter :: not mine.

This chapter dedicated to reviewer Craw/Brad! Yay you!

CHAPTER TWO

"Welcome back to the Weakest Mink! Let's see who the Weakest Mink was this round… Mr. Voldemort, you put…Harry Potter! Mr. Riddle, you put…Harry Potter. Cho Chang, you put Ms. Chang…Alright. Mr. Snape, you put…Cho Chang. Mr. Potter, you put…Voldemort. And Mr. Malfoy, you put…Cho Chang. Alright, Ms. Chang, you are the Weakest Mink. Goodbye."

Cho giggled and clapped, and ran off stage, very happy.

"And now we begin round two. Ready? Begin. Mr. Voldemort, please correctly spell 'calliope.'"

"Um…k-a-l-l-e-y-e-o-p-e-e."

"Incorrect. Mr. Riddle?"

"C-a-l-l-i-o-p-e."  
  


"Correct. Mr. Snape, please correctly identify this object."

She held up a screw driver.

"A…um…muggle torture device?"

"Incorrect. Mr. Potter?"

"A screwdriver."

"Correct. Mr. Malfoy, what does one call the hangy-downy thingy in the back of one's throat?"

"…the 'hangy-downy thingy in the back of one's throat'?"

"Incorrect. Mr. Voldemort?"

"The…Mandible!"

"Incorrect. Mr. Riddle?"

"The uvula?"

"Correct. Mr. Snape, what is the Hawaiian stringed instrument related to the modern guitar?"

"…A ukulele."

"Correct! Mr. Potter! What are the other two wizarding schools in Europe?"

"Um…Beauxbatons and Durmstrang…"

"Correct!"

The game continued in such a manner for the remainder of the time.

"TIME!" the hostess called. "Alright, here are the statistics for this round: Mr. Voldemort answered 1 of 6 correctly; Mr. Riddle answered 5 of 6 correctly, Mr. Snape answered 6 out of 6 correctly, Mr. Potter answered 6 out of 6 correctly, and Mr. Malfoy answere 3 out of 6 correctly. You have $647 in the bank. Please select the Weakest Mink! We'll be back after this!"

Thanks to…

ForestGlenny :: ^_^ Well, looks like you're right! Who do you want out next?

^_^; :: LOL! Alright, I guess they can all die painful deaths…but I don't think I'll put that up here. Maybe in the sequel they'll play for their lives? Maybe?

Mamour :: LOL! In retrospect, I suppose that if she had said 42, she might have gotten them all right! I do hope you have read the Hitchhiker's Guide so that that answer makes sense. Well, either way, you were right! Yay!

Dragon's-Dreams :: LOL. Great laught!

Usually Immaculate Aristocrat :: Yay! You're right!!

David :: David, david, david. It's been a while since you've reviewed me. Don't think that just because I hate your (ex)roommates as much as you do, I'll let you off for being mean to me! ;-; you make me cry! Like you care! Hah! Oh well. We have to go see Big Fish, ok?

Fireblade K'Chona :: decent. Even better now that my roommate has been scared off.

Craw/Brad :: This chapter is yours! I dedicate it to you because I had forgotten about this story until you reviewed it! Thanks a bunch! :_) Oh, and Harry is getting all the easy ones as a bit of commentary on my part on the books. ^.^ I hope you like this chapter!

Please review! I love yall! Even you, David!


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